Friday

Thought Of The Day

You know what is the most awkward thing about having roommates? Its when one of them has their room right next to the toilet and they start arguing outside that room, all the while you're sitting on the toilet listening and not knowing whether you should push coz your loud farts will interrupt their fight.

Thursday

Thought Of The Day

So today a friend of mine told me to look through her friend-list for girls she could hook me up with. And going through the list I realized something; girls need to be considerate with their profiles and make their relationship status on Facebook public. You know, so i'm not there wasting my time stalking the shit out of your profile and then 35 photos in i see your boyfriend and i get mad like "who the fuck is this dude kissing you?!" Coz i'm already emotionally invested in this non-existent relationship we have. And i have to keep looking through more photos to try and figure out who he is and what you saw in him, all the while getting progressively more and more hurt that you would cheat on me with a guy like that. I mean i thought we had a connection; i even liked your profile photo even though we're not friends. We had something good, but you ruined it by going to him and my heart is broken and I can never love you the same way like I did before. We have to call it quits and it is sad. Basically what I’m saying is that stalkers have feelings too girls, so be nice and don’t break the heart of the creepy guy watching you.

Thought Of The Day

Ever sit with your friends and realise that you are the Beyoncé.

Creep-stache.

I've never been god with facial hair. Every time i tried to grow a beard it would always come out patchy ad i'd look like a rabbit on chemotherapy. The thing about growing facial hair is that if you've never had a beard/moustache before and you have it, it makes you learn new things about yourself. I recently found out that if you grow a moustache and you look like me, then you can't talk to kids; it's one thing you definitely cross off the bucket list. what happened was i got this moustache and i was at the mall near my place minding my own business standing at the back of the elevator and in walks this family; mum dad and a fat little kid wearing a football hat. This kid walks in fat as hell smelling like breathing problems and cheeseburgers and he starts smiling up at me; he was like immediately looking up at me begging for me to make small talk or maybe he was really hungry, i don't know. So i didn't want to be rude so i look down to him and say, "Hey buddy, you like football?" and his dad hears me say that and almost immediately turns around and pulls the kid away from me like i was trying to creep on him. As soon as he did that part of me was thinking that i should stick up for myself and say something like, "Your kid's not that hot" or something, but they left the elevator by the time i thought of that. Moral Of The Story: Facial hair turns you into a pedophile.

Saturday

Buttery Roommates

I’ve lived with a lot of strange people, one particular time comes to mind when I lived with excessive drinkers. I think a good gauge on your alcohol problem is how many empty beer bottles you have in your bathroom trash can (if the number is more than one then you have problem). To illustrate how it was at our place, I used to find bottle caps in our bathroom trash can meaning my roommates started their drink while in the toilet. I remember once I blacked out drinking and I fell asleep in my own bed, which usually should be a safe-zone but it wasn’t this evening. My roommates broke into my room and shoved a stick of butter down my pants, which I won’t even get started on how weird that is. Throughout the night it melted and congealed, and when you wake up in the morning with no idea of what happened the night before and you see that, you don’t think “Oh is that melted-congealed butter?” you think more of “NO! What did you do?!” I did what anybody would do upon find that, I TOLD NOBODY ABOUT IT! And since I didn’t tell anybody about it and my roommates were drunk when they did it to me, they didn’t bring it up either, so noone said anything and I spent 3 weeks of my life convinced that I had the rarest STD on the planet. Because after I got out of the shower I went to Google to try and find what I had and “creamy discharge around the pelvis” didn’t give me a specific result so I was convinced I had like a new AIDS. So 3 weeks of my life in fear every morning waking up scared and looking down wondering “Is it back yet?” I found out 3 weeks later what had happened when another friend blacked out at our house and one of my roommates was like “let’s put butter down his pants!” and after asking about it i found out this wasn’t the first time the prank had happened in that house. Moral Of The Story: Alcohol gives you AIDS.

Technological Lie

I love technology but sometimes it can get too fancy too fast. One thing that everyone loves but sometimes can get confusing is Google. Google's awesome but i miss the 1990's where you could win an argument with a lie. You could say anything you want to say and everyone would just be like, "I guess he's telling the truth, i'm not gonna go to the library to look that stuff up." It was fantastic. And if the argument ever got too heavy all you'd have to say is, "No seriously. I swear to God!" and everyone would be like "Calm down, we believe you! You'd never bring God into this if you were lying your ass off." But fast forward to 2012 and now if you say anything remotely crazy your friend is already only his cellphone googling it. The only way to kind of get away with it now is to have someone else back you up thats not God. You have to say something crazy and finish it up with "If you don't believe google it!" and everyone would be like "Calm down, we believe you! You'd never bring Google into this if you were lying your ass off!"

Moral of the story: Google lies.

Wednesday

Fight Stories: Part 2

Finally school's out and i am excited to go on holiday and meet my old friends. I ran into one of my buddies the other day and he's mad at me right now because last time we hung out, he got into a fight and i didn't help him. Now i know some of you are going to judge me on that but in some situations when someone gets into a fight its not your place to jump in. What happened was we went to a gas station store, i didn't need nothing from the store so i stayed in the car and there was someone leaving the store while he was on his way in. Usually as a courtesy when you see someone coming you might hold the door for a second and wait for them, but the guy that was leaving decided not to do that and the door closed right on my friend's face. My friend got mad at him and yelled out, "You could've held the goddamn door!" to which the guy responded "You ain't my bitch!" which by the way, i thought was a great answer. Apparently he didn't feel the same way i did because he got even more mad at the guy and said, "Man, fuck you!" Now where i come from 'fuck you' is like a punch and its like the guy grew up in my neighbourhood because he ducked that 'fuck you' and stepped into one of the fastest over-hand right punches i've ever seen in my life; he knocked the wind out of my friend and it was a good one too. Now, you have to know this about me, i'm a sports fan, and when i see a great play sometime i react; and this qualified as a fantastic play. He popped my friend square in his face, his head went back and hit the glass door of the store, his hat shot up and even his bluetooth came out of his ear. And as soon as his head hit the door i had yelled out "Woooo!" and i didn't mean to say it out loud but it just happened. So my friend got up, he looked the guy in the face, he put his hat back on, his bluetooth back in his ear and walked into the store; there was nothing for me to do. All i know is that my friend came back out and he got back into the car. And when he pulled off so we could go home it was as quiet as hell in the car; i didn't know what to say to him, the best i could come up with was "You ok?". He was mad as hell yelling about why i made all the sound effects in the car and i explained that i didn't know that that was going to be the end of the fight, otherwise i would have cheered for him too. And when he started complaining about why i didn't jump into the fight i explained that he got hit and immediately walked in and bought a coke; its not like i could have stayed outside and fought while he waited in line.

Moral of the story: Coke makes people violent

Saturday

Surprise Race

I really don't understand girls. I don't really understand how they interpret the world around them. The other night i thought that this lady and i were in a race. Turns out that she thought that she was about to get raped. Which was an awkward misunderstanding. So what happened was, it was kind of late at night and were the only two people to get off the bus at stop closest to my apartment. She exited the bus then she turned right, and i exited the bus and i turned right as well. She was about 20 feet i front of me and the thing was that i was in a rush so i started walking faster but then she started walking faster. And for some reason my competitive juices just started flowing and i thought, "oooh, a race." and then i literally yelled out, "Not so fast." Then i started running but then she started running. Problem was that she was faster than me so she started pulling away from me and what i said next made perfect sense to me based on what i thought was going on but probably confused the hell out of her, coz i yelled out "what? have you been training for this?" Then i realized that she didn't think that it was a race coz she started yelling out "rape! rape!" at which point i just paused and looked around and thought to myself, "Oh my God! Somebody is trying to rape us!"

Moral Of The Story: Running makes you a rapist.

Wednesday

Thought Of The Day

You know you live in a tough neighbourhood when you overhear a conversation and the phrase, "When Mikey got stabbed" is not the central part of the conversation; it's just there to clarify date and time.

Sunday

Slim Advice

For those of you who don’t know Magnum condoms are for your big boys. you have to be blessed by the Lord himself to be able to use one. I had a friend, we’ll call him slim. Slim used to go buy magnum condoms, then he’d empty the large condom out the box and the he would put in regular sized condoms inside the magnum box. And i asked him once why he does that and he said, “Coz bro, the girls only look at the box. They don’t pay attention what kind of condom you’re putting on.” And i thought about, it was a pretty dickhead move coz if you think about it the girls he brought home would come in and be all excited when they see that box and might do like stretches or some kind of limbering up exercises when he goes to the bathroom, just to prepare for what they assume is a giant hog and after all that he comes sliding in with his little pecker with all that room to spare; that probably messes them up psychologically. They probably spend the rest of their lives not being able to love properly coz they think they have a mothership for a vagina.

Moral Of The Story: Never trust any guy named slim.

Monday

Prostitute Delivery

So yesterday was my birthday and while we were hanging out one of my friends brought up the discussion on prostitutes in New York. Thing is, it's a bad time for them coz first of all the american economy is bad but second of all, and more importantly, there's a man who's killing prostitutes in New York. And i thought to myself when a cop finds someone's been killed it sucks, coz he has to go tell the family and that's a horrible situation, but if it's a prostitute that's double the agony because their family probably doesn't know they are a prostitute so you not only have to tell them their daughter is dead plus she was a prostitute. But i thought about it and i had an idea; If you were a cop and you had to do that the best way to go about when you go tell the parents is to start off with the prostitute thing because every father's natural reaction is to freak out and get mad and say something like, "I can't believe this, when i see her i'm gonna kill her!" and you can just reply with, "Oh, funny you should bring that up.." and then tell him she's dead.

Moral Of The Story: It's not the news, it's how you deliver it.

Saturday

Gay Pandas

I hate pandas! Every living creature loves pandas, the pandas don’t have a natural predator but they are dying out because they stupid snobs! The pandas don’t mate therefore they don’t have babies and that’s why they’re dying out, i think they are dead weight we should all stop trying to protect them and let them die. We’ve tried, as humans to save the pandas but nothing works. We’ve put pandas together in cages and tried to get them to reproduce. It’s like we said to one panda, “There’s a panda, go hump the other panda!” and the pandas said no! I’ve been single for over a year now, you put me in a cage with anything, ANYTHING, and after a week i will try to hump it! Do you know pandas eat bamboo, that is embarrassing to the whole bear community. We should just call them sissy bears! I think if people really want to save the pandas they should just put them in a cage with tigers for 2 weeks, it’s time for the pandas to earn their endangered species status. After 2 weeks we open the cage and if any pandas are alive they deserve protection and their name changed to “super bears” or depending on what they had to do in that awful cage “prison bitch bears”.

Moral Of The Story: Close your eyes panda you can pretend you are still sucking on bamboo.

Couples Counselling

I've been on a lot of dates and I've gone out to events and stuff with girls enough times to know that woman have the uncanny power to complain about anything even stuff that they are not supposed to complain about, especially at restaurants. Only women say, "Can i see the manager please?!" and as her date all you can do is just stand there with a blank look and slowly try to apologise to the waiter with your eyes because we all know her complaining about the sugar being too sweet isn't a logical complaint, but at the same time you can't say anything against her. I had an experience once when me and a friend of mine went to a restaurant for lunch and as soon as we sat down there was a couple across from us and the woman in the couple started complaining about us, i didn't hear it but my friend did and he turned to them and said, "Excuse me, we can hear you talking about us. Please stop!" and almost immediately the man she was with got busy all over a sudden; everything from fixing his tie to checking his iPhone for emails and even looking at his fork if it was lined up ok with his plate. I thought that was the coolest thing ever coz as a guy you can't talk shit about your woman and this gave me a great idea. I'll start a shit-talking service for men; you setup an appointment online and i meet you in public when she starts acting up i show up and yell at her like "Hey! Stop acting like a bitch! You better respect him. And yes, you do look fat in those jeans." and you have to do as a guy is flip-out on me and defend her honour by yelling something about how no man can talk to your woman like that coz she is a queen and pretend to want to start a fight with me...

Moral Of The Story: Avoiding confrontations has a price tag!

Wednesday

Attack Of The Horns

I think we should respect everyone's opinions no matter what. I'm tired of being treated like a second class citizen because i choose to believe in unicorns. Why is it so crazy that i believe a horse might have a horn? There are so many horned creatures out there, why wouldn't there be a horned-horse. It's not like i am talking about a centaur; there's all kinds of questions when it comes to centaurs like how does a human heart pump blood to a horse's body or is it rude to ask it for a piggy back ride. In the deep sea there are so many disturbing ugly creatures, some even 90% nostril and 10% body and they make you ask yourself are they ugly because they are down there or are they down there because they are ugly, but they exist. You know what else is down there? A sea-horse; that's 50% horse, 50% fish. I'm just talking about something that's 99% horse, 1% cooler horse! Another thing that's in the sea is a narwhal; that's a whale with a horn yet noone calls you gay if you put up a poster of a narwhal on your bedroom wall. I just don't get why there's such a smear campaign against unicorns. Like my friends would ask me, "Do they poop glitter Sammy?" Ummm, probably if they ate glitter yes! Or another stupid question like "Do they fart rainbows?" if there's moisture and lighting behind it probably, that's just science!

Moral Of The Story: Unicorns are cool!

Saturday

Thought Of The Day

I estimate that if I was trapped in a gym full of unarmed 6 year olds, I could probably kill 11 of them before they overtook me.

Friday

Thought Of The Day

I kinda wish Hillary Clinton would have won the presidential election, not because i think she'd make a good president but only because i've never seen a woman assassinated before.

Wednesday

Secret Superman

Here's an idea. Dress up in a trench-coat and hat and try to look as creepy as possible. Then, find someone you dont know's funeral, preferably an open casket funeral, and go lean into his coffin and say slowly but loud enough for everyone to hear, "checkmate. i win!" and then run off. The people at the funeral will either think you are the deceased's arch-nemesis or a super-villain, either way they won't forget you and it will raise questions about whether or not the dead person was in fact a superhero that noone knew of.

Moral Of The Story: If you crash a wedding you get free cake, but if you crash a funeral you create a superhero.

Tuesday

Religious Facebook

So i finally ended up adding my church pastor to my friendlist on facebook, i didn't really think much of it but as you know church people status updates always stand out coz they never don't involve God. His status updates are never like "I'm going shopping", they're more like "Thank God for stores!" I like to look at my homepage now to see how his status updates fit in with my overly-drunk classmates' statuses. Yesterday i checked and his status was the first one and it said, "I'd like to thank the Lord for this beautiful day and my two gorgeous sons. I love picnics" and the one that followed was my friend Tom's which was "The f*cking Lakers can go suck a d*ck!"

Moral Of The Story: Add a religious person, it makes social networking more interesting.

Saturday

Thought Of The Day

If women are honest they'll tell you they like a man who's strong, with muscular shoulders, washboard stomach etc. but they also want a man who's sensitive and can understand their needs and emotions. But ladies you can't have that guy; coz that guy probably has a boyfriend!

Sunday

Fight Stories

I know for a fact that i'm not a fighter, i found that out once when i got punched in the face... a lot... in a row! At that moment i knew that fighting wasn't a thing for me at all, and decided i would stop doing it as soon as the guy was done hitting me in the face. If i was to describe the fight, it would be that it was horrible. His first punch i blocked with my face, and the second one i blocked with the back of my head. My plan was to keep repeatedly block his punches till he got tired at which point i would walk away victorious, well, more of run away victorious but let's face it running away is just walking away at a greater intensity so it would be more like walking away victorious but more intensely and at a greater speed. It didn't go well, i ended up with two black eyes, which as we all know is the maximum number black eyes possible. The fight got broken up and the guy that broke it up beat up the guy that was hitting me because he said he felt sorry for me, so technically i'm the only person who has ever fought a guy and came in third place!

Moral of the story: RUN!

Monday

Insect Armageddon

Unlike most people i like being in university. I've had fun with every aspect of med school; classes, friends, holidays, ants etc. Ants we're actually an important part of my med school experience. My first year we had an ant infestation at the student complex. There were like thousands of ants, we could have called an exterminator but you don't call for backup after you've declared war. Those ants were free entertainment and they had marched into a house of death. I used to lure them onto the kitchen counter with maple syrup making them think its a sign of peace and they were horribly mistaken. When the ants gathered in my home-made sugary booby-trap i'd get a can of deodorant and a lighter and throw flames at them. I'd leave a few alive and watch them walk back into the wall and pretend they were sending a message back to their queen. When my roommate complained about excessive violence i came up with a way to torture ants psychologically without hurting them. I'd take one ant and put him in a plastic container full of sugar and seal him in. It'd be his worst nightmare. I'd watch him walk around slowly losing his tiny mind; all the sugar he could ever want, but nowhere to take it! After an hour i'd take him out and throw him back into the ant hill and laugh some more coz in my mind, his ant family are gonna have questions he can't answer like where's the sugar that they smell on him.

Moral of the story: Don't call a professional to fix a problem you can have fun with.

Thursday

Speed Painting

So today i watched a documentary about boeing plays and one of the highlights was that it takes 3 months to paint a plane. So i thought to myself, haven't they ever noticed how once a plane is in the air it becomes so small that you can even cover it with your thumb? Why not wait till the plane is in the air, then you can paint it quickly with one paint brush stroke.

Moral Of The Story: Gravity is an artist's friend.

Friday

Thought Of The Day

Here's a fun idea. Are you bored and have no kids? Hire a babysitter anyway and say that your kid is asleep upstairs and shouldn't be disturbed. Come back an hour later and ask where your kid is. I promise you the look on their faces is priceless!

Sunday

Conversation Quotes

I wish maybe, just once, someone would call me 'Sir' without adding "You're making a scene" or "Please leave the building"

Saturday

Conversation Quotes

I'm hiding behind a tree making carrot noises to catch rabbits...

Conversation Quotes

Henry: I'm going out on a date with Katie. She's good looking and she's crazy and you know what they say about crazy chicks right? :)

Ed: You gotta shoot them in the head or they won't die!

Thought Of The Day

I have been dating, talking, and otherwise dealing with women as an adult for 9+ years now, and for the most part, I’ve found one rule about them to be depressingly true:

1.) Hot
2.) Sane
3.) Single

The best you're ever gonna get is 2 out of 3!

Thought Of The Day

I want to have three kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if i mess up i will just hit all of them at once.

Sunday

New Reality

I play a lot of video games and i especially like Grand Theft Auto coz it's detailed. I was playing it today and i reached the stage where you have to go out and buy clothes and go on a date with one of the girls in the game. So i bought an outfit that i assumed the video-game girl would like; a nice shirt, some pants and dress shoes, but when i picked her up she said, "That shirt is ugly." So i got out of the car and i shot her in the face because i was angry. I play the game for an escape from real life not an exact replica of what always happens. I don't need to have girl's criticism in real-life and in HD!

Moral of the story: Video games are getting too realistic.

Friday

Conversation Quotes

Mike: Dude where did you get this back cream from?

Tom: It's my roommate's. She uses it all the time and she's practically a doctor.

Mike: How is your roommate practically a doctor?

Tom: I dunno, she's washes her hands all the time...

Thursday

Thought Of The Day

I don't like anyone near me when i cook. I like the only thing that lets me know i suck at cooking to be the massive indigestion i get after eating the food i make.

Saturday

Old School

I got into an argument with a friend today and i tried to hang up on him and i realized something; cellphones and cordless phones have taken away the effect of the Hang-up.I miss the good old days where you could hang up on someone by slamming the phone down in their face. The slamming the phone was like the ultimate "screw you!" in an argument. Also you knew when you got hung up on too coz you could hear the air coming in the phone and you'd probably try to hang up on the person before they hung up on you. But you can't do that anymore with the cellphones. Trying to dramatically hang up on someone with a cellphone is like trying to slam a door on a person face but the door has one of those spring regulators that make the door move slowly.

Moral of the story: If you want to be dramatic, go old school.. or learn to throw your phone at someone.

Friday

Conversation Quotes

Timothy: You know why they invented the shower right? it was to make Jesus wet coz he'd always be walking on his bath water.

Mike: There's a special place in hell for you dude!

Wednesday

Conversation Quotes

Richard: Dude, I'm 39. The only way I'd be considered young is if i die right now!

Lazy Suicide

So today i was talking to my friend and she commented on my blog. Her reasoning was that i write too much about suicide. I think its a very normal thought to think about killing yourself. But what's weird is that everytime i thought of suicide its never over anything big, it's always little things. Like if my girlfriend broke up with me i'd be devastated. I'd be crying, lying in the fetal position for like 3 days, but on the 4th day i'd probably play some xbox and go on with my life... you know, join a gym and lie to myself that i'd get a six pack and so on. But little things get to me. i thought about killing myself last year during my friends birthday, why? coz i said i was going to make a pie. My roomate came up to me while i was watching soccer and started talking about how excited she was about her boyfriends birthday and kept talking about how she will plan a party and bake a cake, but then she asked me what i would do for it. and at the time i thought all i had to do is behave and not talk about rubber ducks in front of her boyfriends parents so i panicked and said i would make a pie. But i dunno how to make a pie, i just said that to make her go away. Which worked she went away all excited and i totally forgot about it. 2 weeks later she woke up all excited and asked me about the pie. And i started thinking bout all i have to do, go to the grocery store, buy some flour etc. and then i started thinking "what if i just go up to the roof of the house and jump onto the sharp spiky fence and just die? Then i wouldn't have to make the pie." So it's not even like i'm suicidal, its more of i'm just lazy. Like whenever I know the next 4 hours of my life will suck, I think about suicide. Like if I have to pay my electricity bill and there's a long queue I always look outside to see if there's a bus coming that I can jump in front of.

Moral of the story: Don't be lazy, be suicidal. It sounds fancier.

Tuesday

Conversation Quotes

Mark: I told you I wasn't drunk. I was good to drive wasn't i?

Steve: Dumbass I drove us home... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate!

Accidentally On Purpose

Well the other day i was talking to my mother coz it was my birthday and we stumbled on a little fact that i always knew but never want to accept. i come from a family of 4 children; 3 girls and 1 boy. The first born was born in 1982, the second born, my sister Linda, was born on December 21st 1986 while i was born on January 21st 1988. What this means is that i was conceived while my sister was only 4 months old, hence making me a mistake, which my mother in as much as she tried to not say finally admitted i am. But instead of looking at myself as a mistake i look at myself as a baby born out of pure passion and probably Marvin Gaye's greatest love songs as opposed to planned babies who were made on boring timetables coinciding with ovulation and all that planning that goes into making a baby. So in short i am more of a surprise souvenir from a good time and not a planned outcome.

Moral of the story: Accidents make the best surprises.

Thursday

Yoga Breaths

So today as i was watching tv i was flipping through shows and i stumbled on one drama. Nothing special but what i noticed was a scene where some girl's uncle died in the hospital and she said, "well his took his last breath and he knew that it was his last breath." which got me to thinking how would she know that that was his last breath. Better yet, what would i do if i knew that was my last breath. Most people would say they would like to die in their sleep or in the arms of their loved ones but i find that tacky and let's face it its already been done. For me, in the last 10 seconds of my life i am going to get my body into a very nice tight entangled yoga pretzel position, just like a really stiff knot because i know when you die your body becomes really stiff and i want to make it as hard as i can for my family to unscramble me. Also i will open my eyes as wide as i can and forcibly hold them open that way they stay that way, and whenever someone comes to dress me up for the funeral it will be like i am creepily watching them put clothes on me.

Moral of the story: If you're gonna go out, might as well go out with a bang.

Thought Of The Day

Bees do not taste like honey.

Tuesday

Conversation Quotes

George: I can't eat that i'm lactose-intolerant.

Ahmed: so that means you're scared of cows?

Saturday

Thought Of The Day

Cats always land on their feet. Bread always lands on its buttered side. So if you tie a piece of buttered bread onto a cat's back, what side will it fall on?

Wednesday

Hate Sandwich

So i started making a sandwich that was with pork and beef today and i realised by eating it i'm offending like 2 billion (Hindu's and Muslims). So naturally i set out to get more and more food to put in the sandwich thats banned from different cultures and religions. I put eggs for buddhists, a glass of milk coz i already put beef in the sandwich and jews are not allowed to have two products from the same animals at once etc...

Moral Of The Story: Hatred is delicious

Thought Of The Day

If men had periods they'd probably brag about the size of their tampons.

Sunday

Thought Of The Day

If you read Jesus backwards, it sounds like sausage.

Baby Names

So last week, I decided to get two puppies because i was bored and needed something to keep me preoccupied. They were two adorable labradors which i really liked. the only problem was i couldn't figure out names for both of them. After much debating i decided to name one puppy 'Attack' so that when my friends were over i would say "attack" and the puppy would naturally respond to its name and come towards me but my friends would think its actually coming to attack them. I named the other puppy 'Stop it' so that when my friends would panic that the first puppy is coming to bite them and yell out for me to stop it the other one would come as well and freak them out even more.

Moral Of The Story: Names build character

Wednesday

Conversation Quotes

Phil: Do you ride lions in Africa?

James: No, you ride fat people in America?

Thursday

Thought Of The Day

Butterflies are the hot mom's of the caterpillar world.

Wednesday

Sports 101

Ever since i could remember i've always hated sports, even though we've always had a sports class all the way from grade school upto university. The memory that stands out the most was when one day our gym teacher divided our entire class into groups of 4 and told us we'd do a relay race with the stipulation that each group that lost would have to do 50 push-ups and 30 laps. Now, i've never been the most physically fit or sports enthusiastic person out there and i was arguably the slowest person in the class but what made the already bad situation worse was that in my relay team i was to go last, meaning the other 3 runners on my team, who were actually way faster than i was, would go before me and hand me the baton to finish the race. This basically meant the outcome for our team was dependent on my performance. The first two guys on my team did pretty good in the race actually maintaining second place and as the baton was handed to the third guy i could see we actually had chance of winning because he was running tied for first place. As he came round the corner, i then realized that the people i was supposed to run against, were the fastest sprinters in our class and if we were to lose the race it'd be very clear that it was my fault. So as the third runner reached out to hand me the baton i knew there was only one thing i could do, so i dropped the baton and made it look like it was his fault. Our team inevitably lost, but everyone blamed the third runner for dropping the baton and causing the loss.

Moral of the story: It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, it's who gets the blame at the end of the game.

Monday

Conversation Quotes

Mo: Dude that shirt makes you look fat!

Romulus: No! My fat makes me look fat. the shirt makes me look red!

Saturday

Backwards Pants

So today i went to help my neighbour by babysitting her daughter. She warned me that the baby has figured out how to take off her diapers and she would run around the house and pee and poop on the ground. So now i dress her with her trousers and shorts on backwards!

Moral Of The Story: Reverse psychology also works on clothing.

Friday

Thought Of The Day

When living with a roommate and sharing bunk beds, always choose the bottom bunk. Why? Because, ladies and gentleman, farts ... travel upwards.

Tuesday

Thought Of The Day

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

Saturday

Though Of The Day

I wonder what the person who discovered milk was doing with the cow.

Friday

Thought Of The Day

How does 50 Cent sell and market running shoes?! He got shot 9 times, he's obviously not that quick!

Thursday

Lost: Season 11

Today i was asked how i would like to die... It was a weird question but if i was to choose i think it would be in a plane crash coz at least if your plane is crashing you know before-hand and in that last 10 seconds i would get up, get everyone's attention and fart as loud as i can coz i always wanted to do that on an airplane (mostly coz the air is recycled so they'd all have to smell it) The only flaw is if we'd all survive the crash, it'd be so awkward coz they would have already smelt what in my head would have been "my last fart on earth". The only consolation is that if we survive the plane crash we might all be on the new season of LOST.

Moral of the story: Plan you're death, you might get on TV

Sunday

Conversation Quotes

Emma: I don't like Nicole Richie, she's only famous coz of her dad.

Byron: Well, you could say the same for Jesus.

Thought Of The Day

You don't have to swim faster than the shark, you just have to swim faster than who you're with.

Wednesday

Baby Weapons

I've mentioned it before I'm not really a tough guy, i can't fight and all that so i have no way of defending myself. So i was thinking to myself the other day, if i heard someone breaking into my house i would just try to pretend like I was also breaking into my house and probably we could laugh at the coincidence for a while; i'd talk down my house like, "Can you believe this loser's place? There's nothing of value here, maybe except for these cool pyjamas that i took and I'm wearing right now". I'd just try to make the robber really uncomfortable until he left by saying stuff like, "I can't wait for this Sammy dude to get home, i'm gonna get my rape on!". Hopefully that would get him to leave... The only thing i do for self-defense is i carry a baby around with me because i think of it this way, what kind of a person would attack someone that would hit them with a baby. Its the ultimate weapon.

Moral Of The Story: Babies are better weapons than guns.

Sunday

How To Impress A Girl - Part 1: Cooking

Step 1: On the day before her arrival make sure to do a reconnaissance of the kitchen to find the best position to place the chair so that she'll have a clear view of everything else apart from the oven you'll cook on

Step 2: Find a recipe book, a fine cuisine recipe book and leave the page of the hardest meal to cook open and placed in a position that when she walks thats the first thing she'll see.

Step 3: Stock up on spices and empty spice bottles (i doubt she'll check if there's any inside) and leave them in a very visible position to her.

Step 4: Once u start cooking make sure to use culinary terms like marinate or whisk the eggs to create the impression you know what you're doing.

Step 5: Make sure to talk a lot to divert attention from the fact that you're only making eggs.

Step 6: Make sure to move around the kitchen a lot and move the frying pan unnecessarily to seem busy.

Step 7: Place as many spices as possible next to the oven to make her think you'll be using them

Step 8: Once ur eggs are done pretend to have had the intention to use the spices and act like you forgot. Preferably promise to use them next time.

Step 9: Once done with the eggs remove the actual meal your mum had prepared from the fridge and warm saying that you had prepared that dish before and the eggs would just be a supplementary dish.

Tuesday

Thought Of The Day

Sometimes your knight in shinning armor is just a retard in tin foil.

Sunday

Thought Of The Day

The best way to pick up girls is to drive an ambulance. All women love a man who can get them wherever they want without having to stop for traffic (its a sign of power.)

Saturday

Though Of The Day

I keep a pregnancy test at home so that at the end of a really bad day i can go to the bathroom and say, "Well, at least i am not pregnant!"

Thursday

Fatal Farts

So today we were watching news about how some celebrity tried to commit suicide and survived and this got me thinking, why do people who commit suicide and fail stop trying after? I don't understand because it's not like their life gets better after. In fact, i think their life would be worse because they find out "Oh well here is one more thing i stink at!". Thats why these people don't succeed in life to begin with because they give up too easily. My logic is if pills don't work try a rope, if that doesn't work try a gun because there's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself. And this got me thinking of how i would do it if it was me. If i had to i'd probably do in front of a group of people and yell out, "Who fucking farted?!" and then shoot myself. That way the people who witness it would never be able to fart ever again coz they would have this fear that somewhere out there, there is a fart that taking lives.

Moral Of The Story: Creativity always leaves a lasting impression

Sunday

Dead Toilets

So today I was looking over facebook invites and I found a friend sent me an invite to an application called "All about me". Now for those not familiar with it, it's basically a survey where you answer lots of questions so people who view your answers can get to know more about you. A questions that struck me was one of the last ones that asked, "Where do you want to go before you die?" I looked through my friends' answers and most of them gadgets pretty neat answers like Paris, Hawaii and Spain. But for me my answer was more logical. I wrote before I want to die the one place I want to visit is the toilet. I imagine the trip from dying to when you reach heaven is going to be a long one and noone wants to go through that pressed and needing a toilet. And what's worse I don't want to get there and the first thing I ask Jesus is where is the bathroom; how embarrassing would that be. For the rest of eternity I'd be known as "Sammy, the guy who asked Jesus for the bathroom the first day at heaven" coz I imagine getting to heaven is like the first day of school and so the after-life would end up being me being made fun of and God nudging Jesus and asking him, "dude, so is that the guy?" every time I walk past them.

Moral Of The Story: Always pee before you die

Saturday

Thought Of The Day

I don't know how people can commit suicide when things like Double cheeseburgers exist.

Thursday

Super Germ

Ever seen those hand sanitizers that say, "Kills 99.99% of germs"? What's the deal with that? What about that 0.01%? Lets say there's a metropolis, something like a germ city that lives on my hands, the West coast can be my left hand and the East coast can be my right and I come with this big bottle of hand sanitizer and use it. It will kill all germs except for one coz he would be that 0.01% that was left. So i got to thinking that the one germ that survived is like a super germ because if that stuff had killed all the other germs and that germ is still alive he's sort of a king germ, and he could do whatever he wants but he didn't know this because he just lived clueless in the metropolis of Germ World until he figured out he just survived the germ-apocalypse that killed 99.99% of his kind. And you know what, he's gonna be pissed because he would realize that i just killed all his friends, his family, his girlfriend, his invest banker even his enemies. And you know what that germ is gonna do, he's gonna give me AIDS. And thats why i'm not gonna wash my hands anymore coz i dont want that germ to realize he has that much power...

Hand Sanitizers: - A clean way to get AIDS.

Tuesday

Thought Of The Day

If your facebook relationship status is set to "It's complicated", just stop kidding yourself and turn it to "Single".

Saturday

Elevators are gay...

So on Monday i had a paper which i had decided to read all night on Sunday for. Unfortunately for me i fell asleep midway through reading. I woke up without about 30 mins left before the exam starts and i rushed out the door knowing it would take me at least 20 mins to get to class. I live on the 7th floor so i had to take the elevator. One thing about the elevators in my building is that they're not the express elevators that go straight to where you ask for, if for example in my case i'm at the 7th floor and i want to go to the ground-floor it would stop if someone at the fifth floor had called it down. So i rushed into the elevator and my friend Mike from the 8th floor was already in it. With my rush i wasnt completely well dressed so i figured i would do some touch ups in the elevator on the way out. Mike clearly saw my predicament and decided to help me do my shirt as i fastened my belt. But like 5 seconds later the elevator stopped at the 5th floor, the doors opened and there was "Hot 5th floor girl". Now let me pause the story to describe hot 5th floor girl. Usually when someone does something epic, he no longer has just one name; he/she has a description. Like for example my friend Tom, he had his claim to fame when we were teenagers and a fight was about to break out at the basketball court and he came out barechest holding a baby and broke up the fight.... from then on noone called him tom anymore but everyone refered to him as "Bare-chested Tom who came and stopped a fight holding a baby". Literally whenever someone would mention him they would use the entire description instead of just his name; "Yeah i got these new cool t-shirts from Bare-chested Tom who came and stopped a fight holding a baby.. his house is right next to smelly Pete who tried to rob his uncles store wearing his dads shirt". Same goes for hot 5th floor girl, none of us ever referred to her by her name but by her description because she was unbelievably hot to the point it would just get uncomfortable being near her. But anyway, the doors open and here is hot 5th floor girl looking into the elevator with me trying to buckle my belt and Mike buttoning my shirt, it was not a pretty sight... She just giggled and said "I'll let you two lovebirds get back to it"..

Elevators are the ultimate cockblock...

Friday

Thought Of The Day

Eggs are not food. They do not fall under any food category. Eggs are just chicken farts covered in substance.

Monday

Conversation Quotes

Romulus: Man i miss being back home in Cali, i always felt so skinny there coz everyone around me was fat...

Thursday

Stalker Appreciation Day

I think by far the greatest holiday for stalkers has to be Valentines Day. Its the one time of the year that "extra" attention you give to a person comes off as benign romantic interest. On a normal day the random flowers and chocolates sent in the afternoon ends up as you being "overly-obsessed and disturbingly clingy" but on valentines they make you seem as a romantic. You are no longer "the creepy guy from the 8th floor who keeps sending me stuff" but are now "the thoughtful person who lives in my building". The beauty of valentines day is that it plays on the stalkers one master trait; Anonymity. Flowers with no tags, poems with no author, or even affectionate texts from an unknown number, all this on a different day would cause a person unbelievable amounts of panic but on valentines its not only acceptable; its the norm. This is the equivalent to what free-range quail shooting would be to a redneck.

Have a stalker on valentines; get more gifts...

Tuesday

Fat Roomates

3 ways to know you're living with a fat roomate:

a). When they're leaving for a long trip their instructions are always to do with some food related topic e.g. "Make sure when you open the fridge don't leave the door open too long or else the chicken will taste bitter when i cook it Sammy."

b). Everytime you use one of their food items without telling them you make sure you wash the dishes way very fast so that they don't realize it and you can replace it before she goes to use it next. Usually this happens with eggs or milk

c). All the fondest stories they will tell you will always involve them quoting what food they ate that day e.g. "My sister's wedding was so good. We ate so much cake and ice cream after, and her dress was also good"

Monday

3 Levels Of Cool

I think the coolest types of people are just the following:

1. Fat People
2. People with gaps in their teeth.
3. Short people.

Some might disagree but i shall explain why.

Short people are the third most coolest people in the world because they make our minds regress to childhood. Short people can in fact get away with anything by virtue of their small stature. I'm sure everyone has heard someone once say, "Come on just leave the small guy alone..." this is because when someone sees a short person their mind immediately goes back to childhood memories and they in turn see the person not as a person responsible for their actions but instead as an innocent child who didn't know what he was doing. This makes short people to some point untouchable and blameless (and a perfect scapegoat for us tall people). Ever hear the saying "Short people always have big tempers"? Well, now you know why. Short people know of the power they possess on average-height and tall people thats why they expect to get away with everything (and usually they do). But in the rare circumstance that they don't they get really angry as if their rights were violated, and true to form us unknowing tall people will feel guilty even when we're not on the wrong and justify or support his anger.
Fact: Noone ever punches a short person.

People with teeth gaps. Now this one goes without saying. Their level 2 coolness is as obvious as any other clearly obvious thing (sorry i couldn't find a simile for obviousness). Them having a gap can only be equated to a camel having a hump. The camels hump is what makes it such an epic animal; the ability to store large amounts of water for itself so it can survive in the desert. Same goes with teeth gaps, they serve as a reservoir for the lucky havers. Having that tiny space between two teeth that can fit one to three tic-tacs for later usage is by far one of the coolest things to have.
Fact: Tic-tacs can stay in between two teeth for upto 6 hours without losing initial flavour.

Fat People. Fat people are in my opinion the coolest people in the world. Their coolness is unmatched and unparalleled. Speaking as someone lucky enough to have fat friends i have been able to witness their coolness first hand. Fat people can basically have their way with anything they want; If they get to the dancefloor everyone steps away and disperses. If they order 6 burgers at McDonalds noone gives them bad looks and ask why Sammy is eating so much or whether or not he might have worms. Fat people can basically do whatever they want and noone says anything bad about it because they are fat; the ultimate cool.
Fact: Noone ever sits next to fat guy in a bus/airplane even if the seat next to him is free; Fatness means you never get disturbed

Tuesday

Gray's Anatomy

The first few weeks of Med. School (even though to this day most people don't believe I'm in actual med school) was a time i will never forget. I joined my university late so i didn't know much bout medicine but i remember one time at the end of class the professor said, "You will have your exams next week, i suggest you study Gray's Anatomy if you intend to pass".. Now in my mind i thought "Hey, i know i came late but i've watched all 5 seasons of Grey's anatomy so i'm gonna ace this test". Little did i know that teacher was talking about Gray's Anatomy the medical students text book by Henry Gray and not Grey's anatomy the tv show; apparently Grey's Anatomy (spelt with an "-ey') was based on the book Gray's Anatomy (with an "-ay") Needless to say that had to be the worst exam in my life.

Moral of the story: Despite all seemingly logical arguments, "The social effects of Meredith Grey's relations with Richard Webber in Season 3", can never be used as a question in a Med. School exam..






Monday

Robberies

Apparently there are rules and regulations to being robbed. If for example I'm with my friends and a person comes to rob us and i run then I'm considered a coward. I personally don't agree with this logic coz i run a lot. There's been situations i had to run on my friends, there are just times you have to say to hell with the situation and run. My logic is that they saw the gun the same way i saw the gun they just chose to stay. For some reason to this day, my ex doesn't understand why i ran on her. Just for the record when i saw the gunmen coming i told her "yo!" but she stayed and the robbers beat her senseless. She got mad at me coz she thought i was just standing there watching but in actual sense it was that by the time i got away, i realized she had the keys to the car and when i turned around they were still hitting her so i decided to wait. I saw no sense in both of us get beat up; I mean someone had to drive home..

Thursday

Thought Of The Day

Don't you wish iPhones would mark texts from 11:59 p.m. as "Last year" instead of "Yesterday"?

Tuesday

Thought Of The Day

We can't make anyone fall in love with us. We can only stalk them and hope they panic and give in..

Monday

The Gift Of Giving

Now i am as just as generous as the next guy, i give offerings in church (whenever i attend that is), donate to the homeless and even will be a designated driver from time to time. Well at my apartment complex we are used to having Jehovah's witnesses come from time to time to ask for donations, which isn't a bad thing coz its going to a greater good. Oddly enough being the only black person in the building i think they might have singled me out as a overly-generous person because instead of coming to my place to ask for donations once a week they decided to come everyday of the week. I was more than willing to donate something but after 8 straight days of donations it had become border-line exploitation and i decided to do something about it. So on one fine saturday i waited for them and true to form they appeared at my door in the afternoon. As soon as i saw them through the peep hole i undressed and got completely naked, grabbed a defrosting chicken from the kitchen, lit a candle and put some ketchup on my mouth. I opened the door chanting gibberish and dancing around. When they saw this they quickly assumed i was an african witch-doctor who practices voodoo and they ran away and i have never seen from them ever again; mission accomplished.

Racial stereotypes: the gift that keeps on giving...

Saturday

Thought Of The Day

Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is the straight man's version of Twilight.

Thursday

Thought Of The Day

No good can ever come of the words, "Come on, be a man and just do it!"

Baby Momma's

When models get pregnant they look like a whole different person coz they gain so much weight. Its always a shock looking at the before and after. But when a regular fat girl gets pregnant its different, most people would see her and be like "Oh hey you. Did you do something with your hair?" Most of us won't even notice and assume she just had one too many cheeseburgers hence the stomach bulge.

Date a model, but have babies with a fat woman... Save yourself the shock.

Conversation Quotes

Mark: She said she likes me coz i'm unpretentious and unobtrusive.

John: Dude, do you even know what 'unpretentious' means?

Mark: It means she likes me.

Tuesday

What Would Jesus Do?

Today i talked to my sister about some argument i once had with my Ex where my ex asked for breakfast in bed and i yelled back at her "Well then go sleep in the kitchen!"... She thought this was dumb and called me a retard. At this point i just thought to myself, "She just called me a retard for no reason.. What would Jesus do?" So i made a new facebook profile with her name, added everyone on her friend list, listed her as engaged to homeless man and put her status as "My brother is super awesome and i'm a dumb blonde".. i give her 3 days to figure out it was me who did it.

Sunday

Halloween On A Budget

Well due to the current economical crisis and recession this year i had my Halloween on a budget. No more overly-glammed custome or fancy props just a look that was easy and something i could relate to. I went as "The black dude that's about to rob you" so all i had to do is carry a knife around with me the entire night.

Recession breeds Innovation...

Friday

Thought Of The Day

I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.

Thursday

African Hospitals = Optimism

So the other day i had this terrible cold that just wouldn't go away. I didn't make much of it because a cold is just a cold, but to be on the safe side I went to the hospital to pick up some meds and get a routine check up. The doctor asked me if i experienced any headaches recently and I replied yes to which he was quick to say that i was "exhibiting symptoms of the fatal H1N1 strain of swine flu". Now I'm no doctor but i think having med. school classes from 8am to 7pm everyday does tend to give people headaches, so a flu to a med. student would generally be accompanied by headaches. Despite his premonitions of me only having 2 days to live, I still had to travel to Kenya after. While in Kenya I did also go to a doctor who surprisingly said I was ok and predicted at least 42 more years on my life chart. And this got me thinking, a flu accompanied by headaches in Romania is "fatal" but in Africa it's barely even recognised as a disease? This made me realise what I have to do. My life plan now is that the older and sicker I get, the worse and worse the country I will go to for treatment. So that I will end up being 89 with AIDS, Lung Cancer, Diabetes and Tuberculosis but still be the healthiest person in Rwanda...

Thought Of The Day

Why don't they just take homeless people who talk to themselves and pair them up in groups so that they look like they are having a conversation...

Wednesday

Indians In Space

So today we were having Anatomy class, and focussing on the auricular sensory organs (that's smart people talk for the Ears.) At one point the lecturer brings out the aspect of pointy ears and as an example he names Spock from Star Trek. This got me thinking a bit. In Star Trek we have a russian, scottish man, an american, a black guy even an asian guy, but no brown person. And this got me thinking. Are there no brown people in the future? If star trek doesn't have a brown person in its crew isn't a sign that future brown generations don't make it? I came to the conclusion that all Indian and brown girls (especially the pretty ones) should rethink all their relationships if they want to save their race....

Date a black guy, there's a future in it.

Thought Of The Day

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with moustaches...

Tuesday

Toilet Paper

Like a month before I flew out to join Uni, I remember I wanted to use the loo but noticed there was no tissue and in our house we put the toilet paper in the basement store. So I picked 3 rolls but on my way back up one slipped and opened all the way down the stairs which gave me an awesome idea. So i quickly made my way back down to the storage room, I took more tissue like 20 rolls and began to drop kick them one by one all over the house. By the time i was down the living room was all covered in white which in my mind meant "Mission accomplished" because the original plan was to make it look like it snowed in kenya in June. Although thats when my mum came home, wasnt too pleased. She sat me down and was like "Sammy do you have a girlfriend? You do know our neighbours kids are single right?" Needless to say all the rooms are always fully stacked with tissue after this happened...

Thought Of The Day

By definition the word 'No' means: "Ask me out 50 more times until I say yes..."

Monday

Wedding Ban

So back in 2007, i was at my cousin's wedding which was pretty boring so to kill time i decided to put a bottle on the floor and dance around it. It kinda got my mum ticked off despite the fact that after dancing to 3 songs people started joining me in dancing round it lol. So I was told I'm making a scene that i should go chill outside till the ceremony is over. So while i was outside i noticed a meshed fence and that gave mean idea. I hung some balloons on the fence and began throwing forks at them to see if i could burst them. Some kids saw me doing it and a crowd formed where we'd all take turns throwing forks. This also didn't go down well with my mum so i left that spot to go eat. That's when i noticed that on the cake instead of your regular plastic dolls of the bride and groom this cake had the bride and groom in chocolate form which i thought was really cool i mean how often do you get to see a sculpture of your friend in chocolate and it kinda hit me bout those voodoo dolls stuff, that if you poke the doll the guy feels pain? So i quickly took the groom off the top of the cake and ate its arm next to the groom himself to see if he'd feel pain. i even poked his hand to check if it went away. I told him what i was trying then he started laughing loudly and my aunt came and was like, "Don't make the groom laugh! His wedding is supposed to be sad and boring to set the correct tone for the rest of the marriage."
That made us both laugh loudly, gathering everyone's attention.
These events and others that i haven't mentioned are the reason why i haven't been allowed to any of my family's wedding after 2007...

Tampons

So today i went to the mall coz it said 50% off, but once i got there I found out it was only 50% off on female products. And then randomly i saw a sign that said 100 tampons for 9 euros which i thought was really retardedly cheap for tampons. Anyway long story short after that whenever juice spilled in my appartment i woulndt get a cloth i'd just use one of my 100 tampons
i even coloured 16 of them black and played chess with them. Tampons do in fact rock very much :)