Baby Weapons

I've mentioned it before I'm not really a tough guy, i can't fight and all that so i have no way of defending myself. So i was thinking to myself the other day, if i heard someone breaking into my house i would just try to pretend like I was also breaking into my house and probably we could laugh at the coincidence for a while; i'd talk down my house like, "Can you believe this loser's place? There's nothing of value here, maybe except for these cool pyjamas that i took and I'm wearing right now". I'd just try to make the robber really uncomfortable until he left by saying stuff like, "I can't wait for this Sammy dude to get home, i'm gonna get my rape on!". Hopefully that would get him to leave... The only thing i do for self-defense is i carry a baby around with me because i think of it this way, what kind of a person would attack someone that would hit them with a baby. Its the ultimate weapon.

Moral Of The Story: Babies are better weapons than guns.


How To Impress A Girl - Part 1: Cooking

Step 1: On the day before her arrival make sure to do a reconnaissance of the kitchen to find the best position to place the chair so that she'll have a clear view of everything else apart from the oven you'll cook on

Step 2: Find a recipe book, a fine cuisine recipe book and leave the page of the hardest meal to cook open and placed in a position that when she walks thats the first thing she'll see.

Step 3: Stock up on spices and empty spice bottles (i doubt she'll check if there's any inside) and leave them in a very visible position to her.

Step 4: Once u start cooking make sure to use culinary terms like marinate or whisk the eggs to create the impression you know what you're doing.

Step 5: Make sure to talk a lot to divert attention from the fact that you're only making eggs.

Step 6: Make sure to move around the kitchen a lot and move the frying pan unnecessarily to seem busy.

Step 7: Place as many spices as possible next to the oven to make her think you'll be using them

Step 8: Once ur eggs are done pretend to have had the intention to use the spices and act like you forgot. Preferably promise to use them next time.

Step 9: Once done with the eggs remove the actual meal your mum had prepared from the fridge and warm saying that you had prepared that dish before and the eggs would just be a supplementary dish.


Thought Of The Day

Sometimes your knight in shinning armor is just a retard in tin foil.


Thought Of The Day

The best way to pick up girls is to drive an ambulance. All women love a man who can get them wherever they want without having to stop for traffic (its a sign of power.)