Elevators are the ultimate cockblock...
So on Monday i had a paper which i had decided to read all night on Sunday for. Unfortunately for me i fell asleep midway through reading. I woke up without about 30 mins left before the exam starts and i rushed out the door knowing it would take me at least 20 mins to get to class. I live on the 7th floor so i had to take the elevator. One thing about the elevators in my building is that they're not the express elevators that go straight to where you ask for, if for example in my case i'm at the 7th floor and i want to go to the ground-floor it would stop if someone at the fifth floor had called it down. So i rushed into the elevator and my friend Mike from the 8th floor was already in it. With my rush i wasnt completely well dressed so i figured i would do some touch ups in the elevator on the way out. Mike clearly saw my predicament and decided to help me do my shirt as i fastened my belt. But like 5 seconds later the elevator stopped at the 5th floor, the doors opened and there was "Hot 5th floor girl". Now let me pause the story to describe hot 5th floor girl. Usually when someone does something epic, he no longer has just one name; he/she has a description. Like for example my friend Tom, he had his claim to fame when we were teenagers and a fight was about to break out at the basketball court and he came out barechest holding a baby and broke up the fight.... from then on noone called him tom anymore but everyone refered to him as "Bare-chested Tom who came and stopped a fight holding a baby". Literally whenever someone would mention him they would use the entire description instead of just his name; "Yeah i got these new cool t-shirts from Bare-chested Tom who came and stopped a fight holding a baby.. his house is right next to smelly Pete who tried to rob his uncles store wearing his dads shirt". Same goes for hot 5th floor girl, none of us ever referred to her by her name but by her description because she was unbelievably hot to the point it would just get uncomfortable being near her. But anyway, the doors open and here is hot 5th floor girl looking into the elevator with me trying to buckle my belt and Mike buttoning my shirt, it was not a pretty sight... She just giggled and said "I'll let you two lovebirds get back to it"..
Posted by Sammy at 5:10 AM
I think by far the greatest holiday for stalkers has to be Valentines Day. Its the one time of the year that "extra" attention you give to a person comes off as benign romantic interest. On a normal day the random flowers and chocolates sent in the afternoon ends up as you being "overly-obsessed and disturbingly clingy" but on valentines they make you seem as a romantic. You are no longer "the creepy guy from the 8th floor who keeps sending me stuff" but are now "the thoughtful person who lives in my building". The beauty of valentines day is that it plays on the stalkers one master trait; Anonymity. Flowers with no tags, poems with no author, or even affectionate texts from an unknown number, all this on a different day would cause a person unbelievable amounts of panic but on valentines its not only acceptable; its the norm. This is the equivalent to what free-range quail shooting would be to a redneck.
Have a stalker on valentines; get more gifts...
Posted by Sammy at 4:56 AM
3 ways to know you're living with a fat roomate:
a). When they're leaving for a long trip their instructions are always to do with some food related topic e.g. "Make sure when you open the fridge don't leave the door open too long or else the chicken will taste bitter when i cook it Sammy."
b). Everytime you use one of their food items without telling them you make sure you wash the dishes way very fast so that they don't realize it and you can replace it before she goes to use it next. Usually this happens with eggs or milk
c). All the fondest stories they will tell you will always involve them quoting what food they ate that day e.g. "My sister's wedding was so good. We ate so much cake and ice cream after, and her dress was also good"
Posted by Sammy at 11:17 PM
I think the coolest types of people are just the following:
1. Fat People
2. People with gaps in their teeth.
3. Short people.
Some might disagree but i shall explain why.
Short people are the third most coolest people in the world because they make our minds regress to childhood. Short people can in fact get away with anything by virtue of their small stature. I'm sure everyone has heard someone once say, "Come on just leave the small guy alone..." this is because when someone sees a short person their mind immediately goes back to childhood memories and they in turn see the person not as a person responsible for their actions but instead as an innocent child who didn't know what he was doing. This makes short people to some point untouchable and blameless (and a perfect scapegoat for us tall people). Ever hear the saying "Short people always have big tempers"? Well, now you know why. Short people know of the power they possess on average-height and tall people thats why they expect to get away with everything (and usually they do). But in the rare circumstance that they don't they get really angry as if their rights were violated, and true to form us unknowing tall people will feel guilty even when we're not on the wrong and justify or support his anger.
Fact: Noone ever punches a short person.
People with teeth gaps. Now this one goes without saying. Their level 2 coolness is as obvious as any other clearly obvious thing (sorry i couldn't find a simile for obviousness). Them having a gap can only be equated to a camel having a hump. The camels hump is what makes it such an epic animal; the ability to store large amounts of water for itself so it can survive in the desert. Same goes with teeth gaps, they serve as a reservoir for the lucky havers. Having that tiny space between two teeth that can fit one to three tic-tacs for later usage is by far one of the coolest things to have.
Fact: Tic-tacs can stay in between two teeth for upto 6 hours without losing initial flavour.
Fat People. Fat people are in my opinion the coolest people in the world. Their coolness is unmatched and unparalleled. Speaking as someone lucky enough to have fat friends i have been able to witness their coolness first hand. Fat people can basically have their way with anything they want; If they get to the dancefloor everyone steps away and disperses. If they order 6 burgers at McDonalds noone gives them bad looks and ask why Sammy is eating so much or whether or not he might have worms. Fat people can basically do whatever they want and noone says anything bad about it because they are fat; the ultimate cool.
Fact: Noone ever sits next to fat guy in a bus/airplane even if the seat next to him is free; Fatness means you never get disturbed
Posted by Sammy at 10:48 PM