Buttery Roommates

I’ve lived with a lot of strange people, one particular time comes to mind when I lived with excessive drinkers. I think a good gauge on your alcohol problem is how many empty beer bottles you have in your bathroom trash can (if the number is more than one then you have problem). To illustrate how it was at our place, I used to find bottle caps in our bathroom trash can meaning my roommates started their drink while in the toilet. I remember once I blacked out drinking and I fell asleep in my own bed, which usually should be a safe-zone but it wasn’t this evening. My roommates broke into my room and shoved a stick of butter down my pants, which I won’t even get started on how weird that is. Throughout the night it melted and congealed, and when you wake up in the morning with no idea of what happened the night before and you see that, you don’t think “Oh is that melted-congealed butter?” you think more of “NO! What did you do?!” I did what anybody would do upon find that, I TOLD NOBODY ABOUT IT! And since I didn’t tell anybody about it and my roommates were drunk when they did it to me, they didn’t bring it up either, so noone said anything and I spent 3 weeks of my life convinced that I had the rarest STD on the planet. Because after I got out of the shower I went to Google to try and find what I had and “creamy discharge around the pelvis” didn’t give me a specific result so I was convinced I had like a new AIDS. So 3 weeks of my life in fear every morning waking up scared and looking down wondering “Is it back yet?” I found out 3 weeks later what had happened when another friend blacked out at our house and one of my roommates was like “let’s put butter down his pants!” and after asking about it i found out this wasn’t the first time the prank had happened in that house. Moral Of The Story: Alcohol gives you AIDS.