Though Of The Day

I keep a pregnancy test at home so that at the end of a really bad day i can go to the bathroom and say, "Well, at least i am not pregnant!"

Fatal Farts

So today we were watching news about how some celebrity tried to commit suicide and survived and this got me thinking, why do people who commit suicide and fail stop trying after? I don't understand because it's not like their life gets better after. In fact, i think their life would be worse because they find out "Oh well here is one more thing i stink at!". Thats why these people don't succeed in life to begin with because they give up too easily. My logic is if pills don't work try a rope, if that doesn't work try a gun because there's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself. And this got me thinking of how i would do it if it was me. If i had to i'd probably do in front of a group of people and yell out, "Who fucking farted?!" and then shoot myself. That way the people who witness it would never be able to fart ever again coz they would have this fear that somewhere out there, there is a fart that taking lives.

Moral Of The Story: Creativity always leaves a lasting impression

Dead Toilets

So today I was looking over facebook invites and I found a friend sent me an invite to an application called "All about me". Now for those not familiar with it, it's basically a survey where you answer lots of questions so people who view your answers can get to know more about you. A questions that struck me was one of the last ones that asked, "Where do you want to go before you die?" I looked through my friends' answers and most of them gadgets pretty neat answers like Paris, Hawaii and Spain. But for me my answer was more logical. I wrote before I want to die the one place I want to visit is the toilet. I imagine the trip from dying to when you reach heaven is going to be a long one and noone wants to go through that pressed and needing a toilet. And what's worse I don't want to get there and the first thing I ask Jesus is where is the bathroom; how embarrassing would that be. For the rest of eternity I'd be known as "Sammy, the guy who asked Jesus for the bathroom the first day at heaven" coz I imagine getting to heaven is like the first day of school and so the after-life would end up being me being made fun of and God nudging Jesus and asking him, "dude, so is that the guy?" every time I walk past them.

Moral Of The Story: Always pee before you die

Thought Of The Day

I don't know how people can commit suicide when things like Double cheeseburgers exist.

Super Germ

Ever seen those hand sanitizers that say, "Kills 99.99% of germs"? What's the deal with that? What about that 0.01%? Lets say there's a metropolis, something like a germ city that lives on my hands, the West coast can be my left hand and the East coast can be my right and I come with this big bottle of hand sanitizer and use it. It will kill all germs except for one coz he would be that 0.01% that was left. So i got to thinking that the one germ that survived is like a super germ because if that stuff had killed all the other germs and that germ is still alive he's sort of a king germ, and he could do whatever he wants but he didn't know this because he just lived clueless in the metropolis of Germ World until he figured out he just survived the germ-apocalypse that killed 99.99% of his kind. And you know what, he's gonna be pissed because he would realize that i just killed all his friends, his family, his girlfriend, his invest banker even his enemies. And you know what that germ is gonna do, he's gonna give me AIDS. And thats why i'm not gonna wash my hands anymore coz i dont want that germ to realize he has that much power...

Hand Sanitizers: - A clean way to get AIDS.

Thought Of The Day

If your facebook relationship status is set to "It's complicated", just stop kidding yourself and turn it to "Single".

Elevators are gay...

So on Monday i had a paper which i had decided to read all night on Sunday for. Unfortunately for me i fell asleep midway through reading. I woke up without about 30 mins left before the exam starts and i rushed out the door knowing it would take me at least 20 mins to get to class. I live on the 7th floor so i had to take the elevator. One thing about the elevators in my building is that they're not the express elevators that go straight to where you ask for, if for example in my case i'm at the 7th floor and i want to go to the ground-floor it would stop if someone at the fifth floor had called it down. So i rushed into the elevator and my friend Mike from the 8th floor was already in it. With my rush i wasnt completely well dressed so i figured i would do some touch ups in the elevator on the way out. Mike clearly saw my predicament and decided to help me do my shirt as i fastened my belt. But like 5 seconds later the elevator stopped at the 5th floor, the doors opened and there was "Hot 5th floor girl". Now let me pause the story to describe hot 5th floor girl. Usually when someone does something epic, he no longer has just one name; he/she has a description. Like for example my friend Tom, he had his claim to fame when we were teenagers and a fight was about to break out at the basketball court and he came out barechest holding a baby and broke up the fight.... from then on noone called him tom anymore but everyone refered to him as "Bare-chested Tom who came and stopped a fight holding a baby". Literally whenever someone would mention him they would use the entire description instead of just his name; "Yeah i got these new cool t-shirts from Bare-chested Tom who came and stopped a fight holding a baby.. his house is right next to smelly Pete who tried to rob his uncles store wearing his dads shirt". Same goes for hot 5th floor girl, none of us ever referred to her by her name but by her description because she was unbelievably hot to the point it would just get uncomfortable being near her. But anyway, the doors open and here is hot 5th floor girl looking into the elevator with me trying to buckle my belt and Mike buttoning my shirt, it was not a pretty sight... She just giggled and said "I'll let you two lovebirds get back to it"..

Elevators are the ultimate cockblock...

Thought Of The Day

Eggs are not food. They do not fall under any food category. Eggs are just chicken farts covered in substance.

Conversation Quotes

Romulus: Man i miss being back home in Cali, i always felt so skinny there coz everyone around me was fat...

Stalker Appreciation Day

I think by far the greatest holiday for stalkers has to be Valentines Day. Its the one time of the year that "extra" attention you give to a person comes off as benign romantic interest. On a normal day the random flowers and chocolates sent in the afternoon ends up as you being "overly-obsessed and disturbingly clingy" but on valentines they make you seem as a romantic. You are no longer "the creepy guy from the 8th floor who keeps sending me stuff" but are now "the thoughtful person who lives in my building". The beauty of valentines day is that it plays on the stalkers one master trait; Anonymity. Flowers with no tags, poems with no author, or even affectionate texts from an unknown number, all this on a different day would cause a person unbelievable amounts of panic but on valentines its not only acceptable; its the norm. This is the equivalent to what free-range quail shooting would be to a redneck.

Have a stalker on valentines; get more gifts...

Fat Roomates

3 ways to know you're living with a fat roomate:

a). When they're leaving for a long trip their instructions are always to do with some food related topic e.g. "Make sure when you open the fridge don't leave the door open too long or else the chicken will taste bitter when i cook it Sammy."

b). Everytime you use one of their food items without telling them you make sure you wash the dishes way very fast so that they don't realize it and you can replace it before she goes to use it next. Usually this happens with eggs or milk

c). All the fondest stories they will tell you will always involve them quoting what food they ate that day e.g. "My sister's wedding was so good. We ate so much cake and ice cream after, and her dress was also good"

3 Levels Of Cool

I think the coolest types of people are just the following:

1. Fat People

2. People with gaps in their teeth.

3. Short people.

Some might disagree but i shall explain why.

Short people are the third most coolest people in the world because they make our minds regress to childhood. Short people can in fact get away with anything by virtue of their small stature. I'm sure everyone has heard someone once say, "Come on just leave the small guy alone..." this is because when someone sees a short person their mind immediately goes back to childhood memories and they in turn see the person not as a person responsible for their actions but instead as an innocent child who didn't know what he was doing. This makes short people to some point untouchable and blameless (and a perfect scapegoat for us tall people). Ever hear the saying "Short people always have big tempers"? Well, now you know why. Short people know of the power they possess on average-height and tall people thats why they expect to get away with everything (and usually they do). But in the rare circumstance that they don't they get really angry as if their rights were violated, and true to form us unknowing tall people will feel guilty even when we're not on the wrong and justify or support his anger.

Fact: Noone ever punches a short person.

People with teeth gaps. Now this one goes without saying. Their level 2 coolness is as obvious as any other clearly obvious thing (sorry i couldn't find a simile for obviousness). Them having a gap can only be equated to a camel having a hump. The camels hump is what makes it such an epic animal; the ability to store large amounts of water for itself so it can survive in the desert. Same goes with teeth gaps, they serve as a reservoir for the lucky havers. Having that tiny space between two teeth that can fit one to three tic-tacs for later usage is by far one of the coolest things to have.

Fact: Tic-tacs can stay in between two teeth for upto 6 hours without losing initial flavour.

Fat People. Fat people are in my opinion the coolest people in the world. Their coolness is unmatched and unparalleled. Speaking as someone lucky enough to have fat friends i have been able to witness their coolness first hand. Fat people can basically have their way with anything they want; If they get to the dancefloor everyone steps away and disperses. If they order 6 burgers at McDonalds noone gives them bad looks and ask why Sammy is eating so much or whether or not he might have worms. Fat people can basically do whatever they want and noone says anything bad about it because they are fat; the ultimate cool.

Fact: Noone ever sits next to fat guy in a bus/airplane even if the seat next to him is free; Fatness means you never get disturbed

Gray's Anatomy

The first few weeks of Med. School (even though to this day most people don't believe I'm in actual med school) was a time i will never forget. I joined my university late so i didn't know much bout medicine but i remember one time at the end of class the professor said, "You will have your exams next week, i suggest you study Gray's Anatomy if you intend to pass".. Now in my mind i thought "Hey, i know i came late but i've watched all 5 seasons of Grey's anatomy so i'm gonna ace this test". Little did i know that teacher was talking about Gray's Anatomy the medical students text book by Henry Gray and not Grey's anatomy the tv show; apparently Grey's Anatomy (spelt with an "-ey') was based on the book Gray's Anatomy (with an "-ay") Needless to say that had to be the worst exam in my life.

Moral of the story: Despite all seemingly logical arguments, "The social effects of Meredith Grey's relations with Richard Webber in Season 3", can never be used as a question in a Med. School exam..

Robberies

Apparently there are rules and regulations to being robbed. If for example I'm with my friends and a person comes to rob us and i run then I'm considered a coward. I personally don't agree with this logic coz i run a lot. There's been situations i had to run on my friends, there are just times you have to say to hell with the situation and run. My logic is that they saw the gun the same way i saw the gun they just chose to stay. For some reason to this day, my ex doesn't understand why i ran on her. Just for the record when i saw the gunmen coming i told her "yo!" but she stayed and the robbers beat her senseless. She got mad at me coz she thought i was just standing there watching but in actual sense it was that by the time i got away, i realized she had the keys to the car and when i turned around they were still hitting her so i decided to wait. I saw no sense in both of us get beat up; I mean someone had to drive home..

Thought Of The Day

Don't you wish iPhones would mark texts from 11:59 p.m. as "Last year" instead of "Yesterday"?

Thought Of The Day

We can't make anyone fall in love with us. We can only stalk them and hope they panic and give in..

The Gift Of Giving

Now i am as just as generous as the next guy, i give offerings in church (whenever i attend that is), donate to the homeless and even will be a designated driver from time to time. Well at my apartment complex we are used to having Jehovah's witnesses come from time to time to ask for donations, which isn't a bad thing coz its going to a greater good. Oddly enough being the only black person in the building i think they might have singled me out as a overly-generous person because instead of coming to my place to ask for donations once a week they decided to come everyday of the week. I was more than willing to donate something but after 8 straight days of donations it had become border-line exploitation and i decided to do something about it. So on one fine saturday i waited for them and true to form they appeared at my door in the afternoon. As soon as i saw them through the peep hole i undressed and got completely naked, grabbed a defrosting chicken from the kitchen, lit a candle and put some ketchup on my mouth. I opened the door chanting gibberish and dancing around. When they saw this they quickly assumed i was an african witch-doctor who practices voodoo and they ran away and i have never seen from them ever again; mission accomplished.

Racial stereotypes: the gift that keeps on giving...

Thought Of The Day

Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is the straight man's version of Twilight.

Thought Of The Day

No good can ever come of the words, "Come on, be a man and just do it!"

Baby Momma's

When models get pregnant they look like a whole different person coz they gain so much weight. Its always a shock looking at the before and after. But when a regular fat girl gets pregnant its different, most people would see her and be like "Oh hey you. Did you do something with your hair?" Most of us won't even notice and assume she just had one too many cheeseburgers hence the stomach bulge.

Date a model, but have babies with a fat woman... Save yourself the shock.

Conversation Quotes

Mark: She said she likes me coz i'm unpretentious and unobtrusive.

John: Dude, do you even know what 'unpretentious' means?

Mark: It means she likes me.

What Would Jesus Do?

Today i talked to my sister about some argument i once had with my Ex where my ex asked for breakfast in bed and i yelled back at her "Well then go sleep in the kitchen!"... She thought this was dumb and called me a retard. At this point i just thought to myself, "She just called me a retard for no reason.. What would Jesus do?" So i made a new facebook profile with her name, added everyone on her friend list, listed her as engaged to homeless man and put her status as "My brother is super awesome and i'm a dumb blonde".. i give her 3 days to figure out it was me who did it.

Halloween On A Budget

Well due to the current economical crisis and recession this year i had my Halloween on a budget. No more overly-glammed custome or fancy props just a look that was easy and something i could relate to. I went as "The black dude that's about to rob you" so all i had to do is carry a knife around with me the entire night.

Recession breeds Innovation...

Thought Of The Day

I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.

African Hospitals = Optimism

So the other day i had this terrible cold that just wouldn't go away. I didn't make much of it because a cold is just a cold, but to be on the safe side I went to the hospital to pick up some meds and get a routine check up. The doctor asked me if i experienced any headaches recently and I replied yes to which he was quick to say that i was "exhibiting symptoms of the fatal H1N1 strain of swine flu". Now I'm no doctor but i think having med. school classes from 8am to 7pm everyday does tend to give people headaches, so a flu to a med. student would generally be accompanied by headaches. Despite his premonitions of me only having 2 days to live, I still had to travel to Kenya after. While in Kenya I did also go to a doctor who surprisingly said I was ok and predicted at least 42 more years on my life chart. And this got me thinking, a flu accompanied by headaches in Romania is "fatal" but in Africa it's barely even recognised as a disease? This made me realise what I have to do. My life plan now is that the older and sicker I get, the worse and worse the country I will go to for treatment. So that I will end up being 89 with AIDS, Lung Cancer, Diabetes and Tuberculosis but still be the healthiest person in Rwanda...

Thought Of The Day

Why don't they just take homeless people who talk to themselves and pair them up in groups so that they look like they are having a conversation...

Indians In Space

So today we were having Anatomy class, and focussing on the auricular sensory organs (that's smart people talk for the Ears.) At one point the lecturer brings out the aspect of pointy ears and as an example he names Spock from Star Trek. This got me thinking a bit. In Star Trek we have a russian, scottish man, an american, a black guy even an asian guy, but no brown person. And this got me thinking. Are there no brown people in the future? If star trek doesn't have a brown person in its crew isn't a sign that future brown generations don't make it? I came to the conclusion that all Indian and brown girls (especially the pretty ones) should rethink all their relationships if they want to save their race....

Date a black guy, there's a future in it.

Thought Of The Day

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with moustaches...

Toilet Paper

Like a month before I flew out to join Uni, I remember I wanted to use the loo but noticed there was no tissue and in our house we put the toilet paper in the basement store. So I picked 3 rolls but on my way back up one slipped and opened all the way down the stairs which gave me an awesome idea. So i quickly made my way back down to the storage room, I took more tissue like 20 rolls and began to drop kick them one by one all over the house. By the time i was down the living room was all covered in white which in my mind meant "Mission accomplished" because the original plan was to make it look like it snowed in kenya in June. Although thats when my mum came home, wasnt too pleased. She sat me down and was like "Sammy do you have a girlfriend? You do know our neighbours kids are single right?" Needless to say all the rooms are always fully stacked with tissue after this happened...

Thought Of The Day

By definition the word 'No' means: "Ask me out 50 more times until I say yes..."

Wedding Ban

So back in 2007, i was at my cousin's wedding which was pretty boring so to kill time i decided to put a bottle on the floor and dance around it. It kinda got my mum ticked off despite the fact that after dancing to 3 songs people started joining me in dancing round it lol. So I was told I'm making a scene that i should go chill outside till the ceremony is over. So while i was outside i noticed a meshed fence and that gave mean idea. I hung some balloons on the fence and began throwing forks at them to see if i could burst them. Some kids saw me doing it and a crowd formed where we'd all take turns throwing forks. This also didn't go down well with my mum so i left that spot to go eat. That's when i noticed that on the cake instead of your regular plastic dolls of the bride and groom this cake had the bride and groom in chocolate form which i thought was really cool i mean how often do you get to see a sculpture of your friend in chocolate and it kinda hit me bout those voodoo dolls stuff, that if you poke the doll the guy feels pain? So i quickly took the groom off the top of the cake and ate its arm next to the groom himself to see if he'd feel pain. i even poked his hand to check if it went away. I told him what i was trying then he started laughing loudly and my aunt came and was like, "Don't make the groom laugh! His wedding is supposed to be sad and boring to set the correct tone for the rest of the marriage."
That made us both laugh loudly, gathering everyone's attention.
These events and others that i haven't mentioned are the reason why i haven't been allowed to any of my family's wedding after 2007...

Tampons

So today i went to the mall coz it said 50% off, but once i got there I found out it was only 50% off on female products. And then randomly i saw a sign that said 100 tampons for 9 euros which i thought was really retardedly cheap for tampons. Anyway long story short after that whenever juice spilled in my appartment i woulndt get a cloth i'd just use one of my 100 tampons
i even coloured 16 of them black and played chess with them. Tampons do in fact rock very much :)